you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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