got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
