How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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