I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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