so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My penis needs a shock collar
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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