I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
