I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
