if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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