Midget sex pt 2 tonight
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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