I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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