Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
