We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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