I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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