I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
