There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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