So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This is my gift to your gina
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
