Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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