"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize