I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
