So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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