The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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