Cold hands, warm shart.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
