Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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