Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
