I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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