I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
