She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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