I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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