apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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