i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We talked him into tasing himself.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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