Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
