I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
