I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
