You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
