hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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