i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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