Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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