in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
