my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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