If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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