She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
