i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize