Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
