like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
