I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
