i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I could make wine with my vomit
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He has the fingertips of a God
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