There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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