We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
