I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
