Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
