I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize