Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
