if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize