I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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