dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
