Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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