new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
