Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
