If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
