Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
