My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
