Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize