I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
